2011 Chapter 2: Past and Present

It has been quite some time since my last post..probably ages ago. Any who, originally I had plans on what to write on during my contemplative trip to scenic Alaska. Seeing as how the final semester developed over the past few months (this post is actually written in April, as opposed to being originally drafted January), it has been quite hectic and I had not the mood to write nor to think about other stuff a lot.

About my past and present plans, there is not much to it. I was rejected for PhD admission, though partially my fault as to only applying at Purdue and nowhere else, hoping that Purdue will accept me again in favor of being familiar in the campus. Shell has yet to reach me about the SRD that happened way back in October of 2010, and I'm not actually thrilled with working in Malaysia since it's not as current as I want it to be, being plagued by stupid issues that matters not to the advancement of itself.

With my mini Chips Ahoy beside me costing $1.98 USD at the local Wal-Mart, I'm just enjoying my life a day at a time. I had issues in the past, and am still dealing with it in my conscience, but am happy to say that I am now okay with my issue with my former high school teacher. I've been contemplating on it too much perhaps, too much that it hurt me a lot than it probably should have, but now I am happy with the resolution that I had after reaching out to her on Facebook. I hope and pray all the best for her life and career, of which I had affected.

Sometimes, I've been thinking on this issue: Why does life matter?

Why does life matter, when you are the only one observing and understanding your own?

Maybe I'm influenced too much with documentation, but, in my opinion, a movie is only as interesting because of it being shown to the masses. Otherwise, the character's life being portrayed is dull and irrelevant to others. A movie or a film or a sequence of stills or photo stills have the power to show the subject's thoughts, life and character, as powerful as words in a novel or in a poem. I've had ideas before, but I've never had the chance of interesting people or subjects to fit my ideas. Or maybe it is my lack of initiative.

Hopefully, in this 40 days leading to my leaving the states, or 5 weeks prior to returning to Malaysia, I can recap the moments that I had from INTEC to undergraduate graduation.

2011 Chapter 1: Alaska

I was stoked.

Not sure by how much, but I was stoked. Or I was weird. Not sure which though.

I have been in the United States, an international student out of place most of the 2 years I have

been here, but nevertheless liking it. I have been to New York, Miami, Milwaukee, Chicago, Grand Canyon, Salt Lake City, Yellowstone, Colorado, San Francisco and Seattle, places where pretty much can sum up most of the American experience. In the beginning of the Fall 2010 semester I thought, where else could I go after all these places? Hawaii? Puerto Rico? But then again, for the former, it is generally known as a honeymoon spot and thus I am not even sure on what to do there. As for the latter, if I wanted to go for a tropical setting, I might as well be home.

But hey....there is one state...Alaska. But, winter in Alaska?

And thus my trip began on Christmas Eve heading to Alaska via Phoenix, and 10 days after, I'm impressed on how I enjoyed my Alaskan trip.

Overall, I really enjoyed Alaska. I guess most of the people I know wouldn't even think of going to Alaska in winter because it is way colder with an average of -20ish F or -26 to -30ish Celsius temperature everyday in winter. However, it was not that different as to what I sort of feel in Purdue.

Yes, walking OR being outside at Alaska in winter is miserable, but sort of better than in the Midwest because of the absence of winds so wind chill is not a major factor. Yes, the land is cold enough that I felt as if I was in Narnia, with the sun being just slightly above the horizon in daytime (4 hours of sunlight) and the pine trees are covered in white, blissful snow. I literally walked out of the airport thinking I was in some winter wonderland dream.

Simply said, it was worth it. It was a pleasurable experience. Being in a hostel and traveling alone allows for a different experience, meeting with other travelers and locals while also planning on reducing costs for trips among other things. I rent a car to reduce the cost of going to the hot spring by $60 by sharing costs with other travelers. We got in the hot spring with subzero temperatures above water and VERY WARM waters below our chests, and that was AWESOME. We got to enjoy the Aurora Borealis when we least expected it after a couple of nights of disappointment.

One of the funny thing that happened was, while heading to the hot spring, we spotted a moose and stopped to take pictures. There it was, a moose crossing the street and my camera was triggering its shutter as fast as I can press it. After getting enough, I previewed the shots and somehow its legs was well aligned to look as if it has been gliding across the street, and thus I proceeded with creating this picture, just like the Beatles album cover.

I would go on and on about the trip, but the feeling can never be conveyed enough. There I was at probably one of the extreme places in the world, and enjoying myself with how everything is. The people, the nature, the lighting (from the sun, the sky, the stars and northern lights), the weather. It feels so different, so very different yet so homely. There are even a community of Muslims there that makes me feel awed by how amazing and adaptive people are and how magnificent Allah is as our creator.

At the same time, I guess this might be coming from an aging me, but there are certain aspects of life that we usually don't even care of and in isolation, I came to think of how valuable it was and is. Of how fragile everything is and yet, how often we neglect it and take it for granted. I watched how a person takes for granted the people around him, and it might have to do about how a culture is, but I observe and observe yet I still do not understand. But that's maybe my dilemma since forever. Anyway...

It was worth it. Fairbanks, I might be coming there again, some time, some day. :)

2011 Prologue

Hey there readers ( if there are any ),

It's already the end of the first month of 2011, and I've been meaning to write on some things that I've thought of during my Alaskan trip and some. I even kept it as a note on my 2-year old iPhone, which does its task just fine, playing music, keeping notes and recently, being an e-book keeper for myself.

So, I've listed them as this and hopefully I can finish posting my thoughts on these topics soon enough:

• Alaskan trip: Fairbanks and Anchorage in winter
• Future plans and graduation
• Spring break trip (not actually to write of it yet, but maybe just some general planning)
• New year 2011 and what it means to me as opposed to some others
• My pennies on 2010 issues (pennies, just because people often use the term 'my 2 cents')
• Video project, maybe? Or some project that could at least entice my inner creativity.

Since it might be a long, long post if I were to combine all of them together, so I'm deciding to divide them into smaller parts.

Anyway, recently I've been watching How I Met Your Mother and it is a very good show. My definition of a good show is some entertainment that allows myself to relax from reality while also allowing myself to think. Yes, HIMYM is a comedy and therefore doesn't need a lot of thinking, but it also has its sense of real life in it that gets people thinking about other people. Other than that, I like it how certain shows has a song that relates to whatever is happening on the screen. And thus, I found out about the artist named Jaymay, a New York folk singer-songwriter.

If ever, I'd recommend whoever that likes songs from the likes of Zee Avi and Estrella to google Jaymay and hear her songs, especially 'Gray or Blue' and 'Sycamore Down'. As I am writing this, I'm also listening to it and I'm liking it.

2010 Retrospective

With a sigh of relief and a wisp of breath slipping through my lips, it is now winter again. The snowflakes brush off the pines and needles with the ease of a gentle breeze. And though the chill is unrelenting, this feeling of mellow at the year's end is what drives my current state of recollection and retrospection.

2010 is like any other year, perhaps more, maybe less, but so far it has been memorable to say the least. This year, probably, has been the year that I've thought on so many things and made drastic changes to my plans and the way I've been thinking about issues. Metaphorically speaking, 2010 has brought me a fresh set of eyes and opened another side of my brain, idled for too long for a lack of attention or necessity.

And here I sit, in front of my computer writing my piece for my blog with a Nikon mug in hand filled with a creamed Folgers coffee, not too sweet, not too bitter, perfect the way it is while also thinking of the irony that goes with how it symbolizes the end of this wonderful year. Relaxing, serene and bringing a slight smile to my heart.

Not much can be said about the start of 2010, except for the experiences I had spending my holiday in Miami and my West Coast trip. Miami was an extension of my winter plan the previous year, and though it was a glitz and glamorous place, I see it as a relaxing vista to enjoy the weather and to escape from the thoughts of anything save for the sand, sun and waters. The highlight of my west coast trip was of course Seattle though I am not sure why. The atmosphere of that city was sort of for hippies, yet it has that certain vibe of freshness that is hard to find in a US city. One that I found before in Milwaukee perhaps, a vibe of comeliness I can't define. Or maybe it's just because Microsoft was there and I think Microsoft is cool. Heck, it might just be because I drove an RV (Recreational Vehicle) most of the way from San Francisco to Seattle, which feels like driving a yacht on land and was awesome!

Spring 2010 rekindled and reaffirmed my interests in EE (electrical engineering ALSO environmental engineering) after having taken a class in signal processing (includes digital signals, speech, and image processing), a class in power electronics (about converters: dc-dc, ac-dc, dc-ac), and a class in environmental sustainability. Though signal processing was cool, I feel more strongly toward the energy industry, seeing as the future demand for it will be massive and that story is to continue through the year with me taking another plunge into that side of EE.

Coming to the season of summer, I was treated with the warmth of the sun as well as an offer for an internship in Purdue and nanoHUB.org. Working with Prof. Klimeck was a real wonder and it definitely opened my way forward into academia. Yes, looking at graduate students working hard every second was discouraging, but then again, it's passion like that which drives humans forward. That and also knowing that there are colleagues who we can refer and relate to, to share and combine knowledge, to further the purpose of discovery and enlightenment. That, by itself brought me to acknowledge that, there is a sense of satisfaction in knowing the unknown.

Lest I forget, I also had fun doing a side project right before the summer, one that involved my imagination. It had been so long ago that I've played around with creating videos that I've nearly forgotten the joy of being fresh. Though it was not my own work that I wrote, it was great having to read a script, a story, and seeing it in my mind's eye as if it was a camera capturing the atmosphere of the moment. Many times have I read a book and have "lived" it but never to have the initiative to try it for myself. Many times have I thought of a certain scene in the back of my mind, which can capture a feeling, an emotion, though never having the canvas to display it on. Perhaps that is why I have taken into photography (and to some extent videography), to capture that fleeting moment, and perhaps that is what I have been seeking thus far. My thanks goes to Hanif Kamis for that, and I enjoyed our chat in the car while rushing from Ustaz's house back to Purdue. That was fun and interesting.

As the days blazes off during summer, and even though the hot and humid climate seems to persist on end, the SURF internship served to be a great experience in my life. Meeting with new friends from other universities, from diverse backgrounds, helped with the FIFA 2010 World Cup, was very fun. Even though my team lost (and I did not put too much into it) in the soccer tournament amongst ourselves, I still think it was fun with myself proving that I suck at soccer/football and probably any other sport due to my stamina. Touring Chicago, watching the World Cup at Giordano's as if it was a mamak stall back home, kayaking and having fun in the river, celebrating the 4th of July at the Professor's house, eating a new delicacy (somewhat new) from a Tanzanian and cooking roti telur in return, doing the fountain run and sliding off the engineering fountain; summer has been an eventful season, one that is the most memorable summer in the states thus far (well..it has only been 2 times).

Fall is the season of leaves, in a way symbolizing the beginning of the year's end. Departing leaves, somber skies, and washed out weather. It was a bad start for Fall, since me and my friends were involved in an accident during our trip to the American Southwest, but Alhamdulillah, we were okay and well in the end. Having taken the minimum amount of credit hour for the semester, I was happy enough to also finally gotten a side income from the Windsor dining court being a student associate. Also, I was thrilled to take an Android application programming project class and another E&PS (energy & power systems) class with a Malaysian-born professor. The Android class taught me to be motivated throughout the semester to co-develop an app for the Android OS mobile platform, while the E&PS class motivated me further on to entrust my future on research and discovery.

The Malaysian professor is also known to me as the Ipoh professor. He, for a lack of description, has this certain way of teaching, one that I have not seen for a long time, who delivers his lectures as if passing his knowledge to his own children. One that I have seen so familiarly from my parents, especially my father. It might have been his tone, it might have been his delivery, it might as well be his body language. It might have been the three combinations that has caused me to like his class, even though at times I can't really understand his teachings until the very end, just like how a father teaches his own son but the son could not yet comprehend until it is naturally in him. Somehow, in him, I can see myself eventually in the distant future maybe and that is my source of inspiration and aspiration. Somehow, in him, I see why educators are the way they are, how they should be and what they truly mean for those who find meaning in life. I am not sure why, but in him I see why my parents are educators and why, as far as I know, my grandfathers are educators, for there is that sense of personal satisfaction upon seeing a student smile and benefit from the knowledge that we have passed on to them. And for that sense, it is also the reason why I should never forget my past transgressions while also redeeming myself to help the future generation to not repeat my mistakes. Professor Ong, thank you.

Not to forget, is a little surprise, even for me. Unbeknown to most, at the end of 2004, I guess my reputation as an Alam Shah student was up and thus I got to know of my then-girlfriend, who I was happy with until we finally ended it prior to me reaching Purdue. We had a lot of good times together but that was, well, that. But also, at the end of 2004, there was also another girl who got to know me even though for only a short while, online. And that same girl, found me yet again after about a 5 year hiatus. And that same girl, we chatted online and got closer in the meanwhile, eventually becoming friends. And that same girl, who eventually confessed me of her feelings that I have sensed for sometime but kept secretive about it. And that same girl is now someone I feel strongly I am able to share my life with. Yeah, and that same girl, she was somehow tied to my family via her mother who once worked with my mother in the so distant past in a school in Gombak. Ironic how the world is big yet small.

...and that is the story thus far. As for the future, for 2011, plenty is not certain. My application for Shell has not been replied yet. Also in waiting is my application for graduate admission in Purdue for Fall 2011. Though it was not in my initial five year plan upon entering INTEC in 2006, a lot has changed since then. Humans plan, but it is Allah's will that makes or breaks it. Now, I am looking forward for my grand Alaskan trip and also for my PhD application reply. Because if I am able to get admitted for doing the PhD program in Purdue, I am able to go forward with my future plans, one that hopefully can enable me to get married soon, sooner than you think, in July insyaAllah. :)

Recent thoughts on things...and things

This has been a long time coming actually. I've read once before in a Tom Clancy novel that we should take note of our thoughts so that we will at least remember it and take notice of it, and thus it has been a long time since I wanted to write this down. However, as a disclaimer, this is my personal thoughts on events that have transpired thus far and I know that I am responsible for it. Do not quote me out of context and if you do want to quote me, do ask me so that I can further clarify my stand on certain things. I am not responsible for a misinterpretation as my state of reference might be different than someone else.

• Education, the value of knowledge.

I have been an international student in the US for 2 years now, and this will probably be my 3rd year and last year of study in the US, or then again probably not. I am thinking of applying to graduate school here in Purdue after having had the chance to see their system, and I really like it here. Why?

Liking a place is akin to feeling right at home, and even though my home is with my parents in Malaysia, I can't help but like the fact on how people value education and knowledge in this so-called university town. The community here highly regards intellectual people - the students, the professors, all manners of people whether it being clerical staff or construction workers, all of them are treated with a high degree of respect, and even though in these economic times, people are struggling to get money, they don't show that aspect of capitalism so much. It might be because of their economic value being higher than ours, but nevertheless they don't succumb to it as so much as we are.

In Malaysia, the education field is hardly treated with the same degree as it is right here. For one, the education system back home feels like a cover up of a political system, one that is corrupted by greed. People talk about being taking a PhD just in order to get more salary, and to get paid sabbatical and traveling around the globe, being head of departments and a pioneer in the country, but none of that rings to me just like the winds on an open prairie field. No, I want none of that. I do not want fame nor fortune, only enough for me and my family to get by, and enough for me to contribute back to the community. People forget the satisfaction that comes with such an endeavor. People forget that what we are doing is not only for ourself, but also for the next generation and the generation after that. And most of all, people forget, that without education, man is naught but a savage beast in the playground we call Earth.

• Politics, the promises and the art of a con.

Personally, I hate politics. It gets in the way of everything, and the nonsense that entails is purely stupid. I guess most of everybody knows of what I feel, and it couldn't be help with. As humans, there are certain limitations to what we can and cannot do, to what we are able and not able to achieve. And in order to call upon order the people beside us, we make promises of grandeur and glory, which can only be achieved upon total cooperation. But no, total cooperation is an idealism, one that we could and can not afford in the multiple branching backgrounds of each individual. Thus, we see upon politics as an idealism to impose structure that we can not afford, impose order that we can not achieve, and impose direction that we have only for a short term.

Rarely do we understand the other side of the shoe. The politician.

Here is an individual, who beyond his own personal duty to himself and probably his closest, stands up above the crowd to bring forth an idea, a direction and a dream, to manage the crowd from being savage to orderly. That same individual looks as if he governs the crowd, yet at the same time, the mechanism if properly understood, is also true the other way around. The crowd governs the politician. Thus it is this conundrum that governs the group called a nation, where the politician becomes the leader who governs the government body overlooking the populace, while at the same time the populace keeping the leaders in check with their votes of confidence upon the leaders. A system of check and balances. Or so what is told by words, an idealism representation of what can be, more akin to what should be since it is not represented wholly in reality.

The crowd governs the politician.

We mock the politicians who leads us astray to what we want rather than what we need, and to the leaders who is wholly bent on his idea of progress without properly representing what the nation had been as constituted by the nation's own constitution and constituency. What had been good for us has been misdirected in order to "follow" the advancement of time, regardless of anything else. We have been brainwashed by promises of grandeur from other nations' own way of progress, thus beginning the decline of our own identity in order to imitate what others are, comparing and assimilating each of us to them at every arm's length of time. Yet, throughout the ordeal, some started to voice out their worries only to be diminished due to the lack of courage to become one's own leader. That is who we are. The backstage crowd, the average citizen who only thinks of finger-pointing others just in case should a mistake, an error in calculation occurs.

Back to my side, I hate politics. When a colossal amount of money goes toward developing something that is wanted but not needed, I can't help but feel betrayed. Here I am, once told to value patriotism and the nation's identity, once told to remember to serve my own nation, once told to be responsible not only to myself, but also to every common citizen, the taxpayers who helped fund my studies abroad; here I am, reading the absurd news happening back home, hearing stories that are not supposed to be happening in the professional level, and frankly, I feel betrayed and pissed.

Why? Because it does not make sense. How can a man, who clearly feeds off of other peoples' money and other peoples' issues, neglect them and pursues nothing more than a personal glory and gets away with it? Clearly the gamut of people back home has only greed stamped on their eyes. In my opinion, even though we originally set the goal of Vision 2020, we should only refer it as a guideline, not an absolute necessity. If we are to pursue that goal, we should pursue it with caution and trepidation. If we are to really want 2020 so badly, is it necessary to neglect our human capital growth? Yes, 2020 is just 10 years away and to reach our original goal, business and commerce is the fastest shortcut, but what then? After 2020, what then? Will there be a generation gap of economic inequality within the population, where the rich is richer and the poor is poorer? Where then will the middle-class be? What then will the nation become? Will we be so business focused that we forget to develop ourself, knowledge-wise, culture-wise and social-wise?

I hate politics. But here is my advice, the crowd DO govern the leaders. Without the many, the few is just....well....few.

Recently, I have thought over my plans for the future. And pretty much went over the numerous things that I could do, sort of doing multiple scenarios of simulations inside my not-so-powerful brain.

As a background to why, it is because I am the tipping point of my career in life, my senior year in Purdue, choosing whether or not to follow my interest in renewable energy and learning, or to follow the industry route. Choosing a life of another 5 years of learning alone or finding a suitable partner with me to bring stateside, or just settling down and working to eventually getting married.

Problem is, I DO LIKE learning. I like them as challenges in my life, learning something new, putting value on knowledge earned and being satisfied overcoming the challenges that come with it. But then, learning would not benefit me if I were already given a position in the industry, in this desperate economic times. Then there is also the problem of choosing how far do I want to learn, masters or PhD? Dr. Muhammad Aizuddin Zulkifli does sound kinda weird but I can get used to it though.

And so...the conundrum of dilemma begins. Right now, my mind is set to pursue PhD (probably) while also taking on internships when available in between semesters so I can get the best of both worlds. And if possible, probably finding a life partner to help me along emotionally during my tenure in learning.

There are other things I will post, most likely later..of the problems I've been thinking of regarding the learning system, comparing why Purdue and not Malaysia, regarding my feelings towards certain recent directions Malaysia has taken, among others.

But now....now, is the time to sleep.

Things that have transpired

It can be said that half of the semester have passed by.

Taking the minimum amount of credit hours this semester has probably done me good. Felt great during the midterm exams, and was rewarded with good scores for them. Took an Android programming project class and it is going fine by my standard so far, with myself learning and discovering new things each and everyday. My application to graduate school is starting with the Graduate Review Exam (GRE) being a couple of days from now.

Overall, I feel fulfillment in my everyday throughout this semester...

Yet, I can't really say I am content. Yes, I am not content on what knowledge I have now and I am not content on my personal state being normal. That, I think, is normal for a person like me.

However, I am not talking regarding those. I am feeling not content on myself being not able to let go of certain things in the past.

It has been a couple of years and I am still thinking of my past regrets. It has been a couple of months and I am still thinking of it. It has been a couple of days yet it sticks in my mind.

I guess I don't know what to make of myself. sigh~