One of these days

One of these days ...

... I feel empty inside, as if I have lost myself somewhere at sometime. I feel lacking in my own self, the one weakness that I cannot cure from past years. It might be a case of inferiority, but I believe I know myself better than that.

I am very, what I think is as, normal as compared to others, yet I am happy the way it is as is. My family is of middle-class people, and my siblings are local Malaysian graduates. And when I look at other students here studying abroad, most of their siblings are oversea students, unlike myself. I know my purpose being sent here in Purdue, to study and do my best after being sponsored by the people's money. And that is what I do best.

One of these days ...

... I look back upon the past 2 years as being void and empty as having to little to no meaning at all. Of course I can brag about my academics and life experiences here, though it kinda feels shallow because sometimes it just does not matter at all.

The years that have past felt as if they strolled by like a midsummer's breeze on an open grass plain. Another year has just swept by, providing its temporary coolness in the blazing heat, soon to die down as the clouds roll above the sky. Probably it's just because of the heat. The heat give thoughts of despair and anxiety, nulling my plans as to only think on how to escape the heat and skip the summer.

One of these days ...

... I want to hope for a long-lasting happiness.

One of these days, I just wish that I can look back and laugh it all off, or just shrug it off as a chuckle.

Umquhile

It started as a side-project to capture a video like a short film or short clip in order to be shown to the Malaysian students attending the Malaysian Midwest Games Night 2010, and now I feel so tied to it just because. Most of the scenes were shot with my new Nikon D300s with the few lenses that I have and thanks to the screenplay written by a graduating senior along with other crews and casts, I would say that I am proud of it even though it is far from perfect.

What am I talking about? I am talking about the video that I have now uploaded to my Facebook account, my Facebook page and also on Youtube for anybody who wants to view it.

Umquhile

... and in it there is an implicit message, a lesson if you please, one that kinda strikes true to me and also, I think, most of the students studying far from home, whether it be overseas, regional or just local. Umquhile, or as defined in some websites as 'some time ago', in my personal perspective seems like a story about a teenager who undergoes the rebellious transformation from childhood to adulthood and after being rebellious for years, finally goes back to his roots where he left it some time ago. That is only my thinking of it, so don't take my word for it.

During its initial stages, when I read the screenplay for it, it has this sense of striking true to what I myself experienced, if not fully but partly. More than that, it has been quite a while that I have been thinking of doing some short clips, experimenting with the play of words, song and visual styles to strike a balance in delivering the message, as what I aim to do also in my photography. After the project was done a couple of days ago, I definitely feel that I can do it one day, if not for going big, then just for an experiment in curiosity.

Thanks to my graduating senior, Hanif, who entrusted me with task of being the cinematographer for the video and hopefully one day, he'll be someone who can be in the likes of the late Yasmin Ahmad.

Contradictions

We, humans, usually contradict ourselves.

It's not that we intentionally lie to ourselves, but more to it being a subconscious event going on at the back of our temple without us realizing it. We want to act one way, but we do the other. And when we do the other, we tell ourselves that it was better to do the way of the first after all. It does not make sense, but we ask ourselves this question: does it have to make sense at all?

I don't know where this thought comes from as of late, but it has been bugging me quite so often. I tell to myself, why am I learning to become an engineer, when sometimes it would have been more interesting if I were something else, say like an artist, a poet or a musician? Other than that, I also feel that I am having a conflict of identity where one wants no more than to be docile, and the other to be let free and crazy. Sometimes I feel like just staying away from everything and everyone for the fear of being tied down to the fabrics of society's judgmental law. But at the same time too, I want to be the one who can control the flow of the society in order to benefit all.

I guess, the world is full of contradictions. Best of all, I know I am not alone. Somewhere and sometime, there are also people like me. We are the contradictions in the society, but also a conformer since it might also have been this way from the start and our purpose is as such.

I don't know..it kinda makes sense then, but now it doesn't.

The Traveling Photographer

Today (technically yesterday...but what the heck...days are counted after gaps of sleep, not by numerical standards, in my opinion) has been one of those hooray days.

The exam I just had was fine, finishing ahead of time is always a good indication of that with all questions answered and time to spare. Life is becoming steady with known factors in place for the upcoming about 3-4 months. Also, I just finished making, ordering and is now waiting for my photobook shipment to my doorstep.

Since Fall of 2008, ever since I came here, I decided to take on a new hobby, trying to seek the perfect balance between light, shadow, colors and substance. I was introduced to my Nikon D90 on a Friday and has ever since that day tried numerously to find my own expression of identity. Fast forward 2 years from then, with my regular kit lens the 18-105mm VR and a normal prime lens 50mm f/1.8D, and a Kata DR-467 Digital Rucksack with my newly acquired Manfrotto 190CX Pro3 and SB-900, I currently have thousands of pictures and more than 50GBs of raw NEF pictures of my travel whilst learning experience here in the States.

And so I set forth trying to print the noteworthy pictures of my endeavor, but with inappropriate funds, I could never print all of the nice photos as poster prints. How do I go about this problem? Simple really.

I've heard once, that photographers of old would go about bringing their career to others with their photo portfolio, and not by digital copies or just showing their camera gears. They had to prove their worth by placing their results on the line. It was different back then, and still is different for the pros and the upstarts. More than not, many photographers here in the States still does thing the old way, with every single photographer who is out to make it for themselves building themselves a portfolio for a professional career ahead. That is very different as to how people perceive as being photographers back in Malaysia, where the biggest camera more often is associated with skill, which is actually uncorrelated in any sense. It is kinda like the purpose of photography is lost with everyone trying to catch on the bandwagon by showing off the larger portion of their body part (censored here, but you kinda get the notion). Malaysians care less about the art of light, of how it dances with each reflections and how it illuminates and glows with each diffraction, but care more only to the sense of who has the bigger gear. If I were to go on about this, I'm afraid that I'll go off topic, and so I'll reserve that for another rant space.

So, I am currently waiting for my photobook to be delivered at my doorstep, and yes, the book is aptly named The Traveling Photographer by dein|photography. It is my first photobook and it accounts to the sights that I caught my sight in Manhattan, New York along with a few captions describing my personal views on the play of light.

Here's hoping all that's well ends well.

Ex-Patriot

Irony.

Most of my past "future" plans seems to take a new form in and by itself. Circumstances change, options unravel, opinions differ. I changed.

Back in school, my utmost priority was get done with university so that I could have an income of my own and start living by my own will. A steady income, a secure job, a person to rely on, a contempt lifestyle...kinda like the American dream. I thought then and there that my path has been laid for the 5 years it needed me to get to that end point.

Funny how things have become. Lots of things have changed since then and I am setting my goals anew constantly. Where previously I never even wanted to go to graduate school, now I see it as an opportunity and a goal since I have none other as my utmost concern. Where previously I'd gladly come back to Malaysia to reside in, now I feel hesitant to go back knowing how liberal minded people are held back and change is negligible in the mentalities of the many. As pessimistic as it sounds, I feel that it is not worth it to even come to the States knowing that these issues will come up in my future.

It is like I am moving up dangerous rapids and I am only but a few who are in the same predicament. It is inevitable. This has made me think: why do I even bother doing my best, when all is just the way it is? There is no progress whatsoever, no changes for the better, only a constant player in the dynamic world. Why do I resist from being idle? Not to say that I will be idle because of this, but I hope to understand it and fortify myself with the understanding. I aim not to be one more rock or pebble in the base of the river, sitting silent amongst the moving waters, but at least be the entity that leaves its mark on the river as a whole, helping it change direction to be better and more efficient.

The declining learning age

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about education and mostly due to the fact that one day, I'll be educating the next generation (probably) and also need others to educate my next generation. This has got me thinking, since I will only be a portion of my future children's education, so how can I maximize my children's potential to become what I am or better than what my parents did to me?

Even though I have reached a conclusion long ago that the best place for me to stabilize and have a family in is and always will be Malaysia, I am starting to have doubts now due to some notions. The fact is, from my perspective, there always seem to be a hindrance as so far as education goes to back in Malaysia. I am unsure of what that hindrance is or whether it is just a preconceived notion, but while growing up in Malaysia, not a lot can be said about the educational atmosphere there as compared to the Western worlds. By that, I mean that most Malaysians don't see education as an interest, a hobby, an endeavor to pursue in, rather than a thing or task that they would gladly be done with and get money there and then.

This thought had gotten into me after reading an article about how the average Malaysians only read about a page of two of literature per year as compared to any other countries, and here literature means books, novels, not those entertainment magazines, tabloids and such. I remembered not too long ago in 2006 that I had a similar kind of question asked to me in my JPA scholarship interview. I was asked on how to cultivate reading into the current generation, to instill an interest of which our nation has not much of. It's kinda disappointing when I think about it, since I do like the excitement of learning new things, the thrill of discovering something new, the uplifting feeling I feel every time I managed to answer a homework, quiz and an exam question. It's kinda like an adrenaline rush.

I fear that for all of its development, Malaysia is just going to be a so-so country in the near future. I used to not understand the meaning of KBKK that have been implemented in the education system, but I kinda get it now. It's not that KBKK failed us, but more to we failed it. KBKK means Kemahiran Berfikir Kreatis dan Kreatif, which in another way means, the skill and ability to think outside the box. But as so far as the implementation goes, all I see in the SPM in the year 2005 was a direct question of the textbook or course material, and not something that is out of the box. I would say maybe the SPM standards are declining, or maybe we have declined as a nation, that we had to lower the exam standards in order to let most of us pass, kinda like how the bell curve works in normalizing peoples' scores.

We are mostly used to having information fed to us that we forgot to digest the information and apply it in other ways. Being a student in Purdue University has really helped me in seeing that. We flock to things that is not out of our reach and we mostly never challenge ourselves to be in an uncomfortable situation. That said, I am also afflicted by this and need to work myself out to be better. Hopefully, one day Malaysia's generation, not only the future, but also the current and past will realize this and reach a consensus to fully embrace knowledge as a part of an advanced culture. No more finger pointing, no more badmouthing, no more excuses and no more lies. Be what you can be and just do it.

Games and education

"...disrupts sociotechnological balance! All scientific advancement due to intelligence overcoming, compensating for limitation. Can't carry a load, so invent wheel. Can't catch food, so invent spear. Limitations! No limitations, no advancement. No advancement, culture stagnates! ... works other way too. Advancement before culture is ready, disastrous. ... saw it with krogan. Uplifted by salarians. Disastrous. Our fault."

"Yes, like giving nuclear weapons to cave men. Krogan unprepared for spaceflight, technological advance. Krogan could have evolved alone. Worked out aggression. Been ready to use new tech responsibly. Instead salarians came. Disrupted krogan culture. Used krogan as blunt instrument against rachni. Shortsighted. Foolish."

- Dr. Mordin Solus, Mass Effect 2, Bioware 2009.

This is a quote from my collection of favorite games that I have, Mass Effect 2 from Bioware. The quote was extracted from a conversation between the player, who is controlling Commander Shepard with a Salarian crewmate of his, Dr. Mordin Solus. Being a Salarian, Mordin is a highly metabolized individual who lives short of a human lifetime but think and act faster than most humans do. Once in the Mass Effect universe, there was a war between the intergalactic species with a threat known as the Rachni, a bug-like species who reproduced in a very fast manner that made it a galactic threat when it became hostile. The salarians discovered the Krogans, a breed of highly adaptable species with high fortitude and constitution and also a high regenerative and reproductive rate. The Salarians then uplifted the Krogans by offering them technology in order to fight the Rachni and they succeeded in that. However, Krogans being highly aggressive and not aware of the dangers and consequences involved with such a high destructive armaments that were supplied to them, made war with the whole galaxy and was then subdued by the Salarians who created the Genophage, a substance that was delivered via rivers, waterways etc. to target the reproductive ability of the Krogans to only be able to birth a young with one out of a thousand chance.

Enough about the game. Why did I quote the dialog? Mainly because I agree with it in a sense, especially the part where if we give weapons to men, they will use it in the most aggressive sense without first understanding it. The proof can be seen in history, where people fought over supremacy, warring with each other without having the sense of reason to actually think it through and resolve the conflict diplomatically in a sensible manner. We see men fight and kill, and repeat the cycle over again numerously.

And we are lucky, as we are, that today there is a global consensus to put wars behind and learn from it. We can work past our past transgressions and cooperate to work out our aggression. What would happen if we didn't then?

It's interesting that this kind of situation being brought up by a game with a sci-fi theme that has no literal relevance with the modern world. In a way, the game is metaphorically addressing the issues today inside its story, implementing education and incorporating gamers with enough common sense to start thinking of these issues and relate to it. While most games are about having nonsensical fun, some of the games nowadays are and can be very good base-education materials, to stimulate the minds where general education syllabus fails to.

All that said and done, I'd say thanks to the people at Bioware.

(Also to the people who made the Age of Empires long ago since they helped me much in picturing Medieval history, and also to many other developers and gamers that I can't remember)