The Traveling Photographer

Today (technically yesterday...but what the heck...days are counted after gaps of sleep, not by numerical standards, in my opinion) has been one of those hooray days.

The exam I just had was fine, finishing ahead of time is always a good indication of that with all questions answered and time to spare. Life is becoming steady with known factors in place for the upcoming about 3-4 months. Also, I just finished making, ordering and is now waiting for my photobook shipment to my doorstep.

Since Fall of 2008, ever since I came here, I decided to take on a new hobby, trying to seek the perfect balance between light, shadow, colors and substance. I was introduced to my Nikon D90 on a Friday and has ever since that day tried numerously to find my own expression of identity. Fast forward 2 years from then, with my regular kit lens the 18-105mm VR and a normal prime lens 50mm f/1.8D, and a Kata DR-467 Digital Rucksack with my newly acquired Manfrotto 190CX Pro3 and SB-900, I currently have thousands of pictures and more than 50GBs of raw NEF pictures of my travel whilst learning experience here in the States.

And so I set forth trying to print the noteworthy pictures of my endeavor, but with inappropriate funds, I could never print all of the nice photos as poster prints. How do I go about this problem? Simple really.

I've heard once, that photographers of old would go about bringing their career to others with their photo portfolio, and not by digital copies or just showing their camera gears. They had to prove their worth by placing their results on the line. It was different back then, and still is different for the pros and the upstarts. More than not, many photographers here in the States still does thing the old way, with every single photographer who is out to make it for themselves building themselves a portfolio for a professional career ahead. That is very different as to how people perceive as being photographers back in Malaysia, where the biggest camera more often is associated with skill, which is actually uncorrelated in any sense. It is kinda like the purpose of photography is lost with everyone trying to catch on the bandwagon by showing off the larger portion of their body part (censored here, but you kinda get the notion). Malaysians care less about the art of light, of how it dances with each reflections and how it illuminates and glows with each diffraction, but care more only to the sense of who has the bigger gear. If I were to go on about this, I'm afraid that I'll go off topic, and so I'll reserve that for another rant space.

So, I am currently waiting for my photobook to be delivered at my doorstep, and yes, the book is aptly named The Traveling Photographer by dein|photography. It is my first photobook and it accounts to the sights that I caught my sight in Manhattan, New York along with a few captions describing my personal views on the play of light.

Here's hoping all that's well ends well.

Ex-Patriot

Irony.

Most of my past "future" plans seems to take a new form in and by itself. Circumstances change, options unravel, opinions differ. I changed.

Back in school, my utmost priority was get done with university so that I could have an income of my own and start living by my own will. A steady income, a secure job, a person to rely on, a contempt lifestyle...kinda like the American dream. I thought then and there that my path has been laid for the 5 years it needed me to get to that end point.

Funny how things have become. Lots of things have changed since then and I am setting my goals anew constantly. Where previously I never even wanted to go to graduate school, now I see it as an opportunity and a goal since I have none other as my utmost concern. Where previously I'd gladly come back to Malaysia to reside in, now I feel hesitant to go back knowing how liberal minded people are held back and change is negligible in the mentalities of the many. As pessimistic as it sounds, I feel that it is not worth it to even come to the States knowing that these issues will come up in my future.

It is like I am moving up dangerous rapids and I am only but a few who are in the same predicament. It is inevitable. This has made me think: why do I even bother doing my best, when all is just the way it is? There is no progress whatsoever, no changes for the better, only a constant player in the dynamic world. Why do I resist from being idle? Not to say that I will be idle because of this, but I hope to understand it and fortify myself with the understanding. I aim not to be one more rock or pebble in the base of the river, sitting silent amongst the moving waters, but at least be the entity that leaves its mark on the river as a whole, helping it change direction to be better and more efficient.

The declining learning age

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about education and mostly due to the fact that one day, I'll be educating the next generation (probably) and also need others to educate my next generation. This has got me thinking, since I will only be a portion of my future children's education, so how can I maximize my children's potential to become what I am or better than what my parents did to me?

Even though I have reached a conclusion long ago that the best place for me to stabilize and have a family in is and always will be Malaysia, I am starting to have doubts now due to some notions. The fact is, from my perspective, there always seem to be a hindrance as so far as education goes to back in Malaysia. I am unsure of what that hindrance is or whether it is just a preconceived notion, but while growing up in Malaysia, not a lot can be said about the educational atmosphere there as compared to the Western worlds. By that, I mean that most Malaysians don't see education as an interest, a hobby, an endeavor to pursue in, rather than a thing or task that they would gladly be done with and get money there and then.

This thought had gotten into me after reading an article about how the average Malaysians only read about a page of two of literature per year as compared to any other countries, and here literature means books, novels, not those entertainment magazines, tabloids and such. I remembered not too long ago in 2006 that I had a similar kind of question asked to me in my JPA scholarship interview. I was asked on how to cultivate reading into the current generation, to instill an interest of which our nation has not much of. It's kinda disappointing when I think about it, since I do like the excitement of learning new things, the thrill of discovering something new, the uplifting feeling I feel every time I managed to answer a homework, quiz and an exam question. It's kinda like an adrenaline rush.

I fear that for all of its development, Malaysia is just going to be a so-so country in the near future. I used to not understand the meaning of KBKK that have been implemented in the education system, but I kinda get it now. It's not that KBKK failed us, but more to we failed it. KBKK means Kemahiran Berfikir Kreatis dan Kreatif, which in another way means, the skill and ability to think outside the box. But as so far as the implementation goes, all I see in the SPM in the year 2005 was a direct question of the textbook or course material, and not something that is out of the box. I would say maybe the SPM standards are declining, or maybe we have declined as a nation, that we had to lower the exam standards in order to let most of us pass, kinda like how the bell curve works in normalizing peoples' scores.

We are mostly used to having information fed to us that we forgot to digest the information and apply it in other ways. Being a student in Purdue University has really helped me in seeing that. We flock to things that is not out of our reach and we mostly never challenge ourselves to be in an uncomfortable situation. That said, I am also afflicted by this and need to work myself out to be better. Hopefully, one day Malaysia's generation, not only the future, but also the current and past will realize this and reach a consensus to fully embrace knowledge as a part of an advanced culture. No more finger pointing, no more badmouthing, no more excuses and no more lies. Be what you can be and just do it.

Games and education

"...disrupts sociotechnological balance! All scientific advancement due to intelligence overcoming, compensating for limitation. Can't carry a load, so invent wheel. Can't catch food, so invent spear. Limitations! No limitations, no advancement. No advancement, culture stagnates! ... works other way too. Advancement before culture is ready, disastrous. ... saw it with krogan. Uplifted by salarians. Disastrous. Our fault."

"Yes, like giving nuclear weapons to cave men. Krogan unprepared for spaceflight, technological advance. Krogan could have evolved alone. Worked out aggression. Been ready to use new tech responsibly. Instead salarians came. Disrupted krogan culture. Used krogan as blunt instrument against rachni. Shortsighted. Foolish."

- Dr. Mordin Solus, Mass Effect 2, Bioware 2009.

This is a quote from my collection of favorite games that I have, Mass Effect 2 from Bioware. The quote was extracted from a conversation between the player, who is controlling Commander Shepard with a Salarian crewmate of his, Dr. Mordin Solus. Being a Salarian, Mordin is a highly metabolized individual who lives short of a human lifetime but think and act faster than most humans do. Once in the Mass Effect universe, there was a war between the intergalactic species with a threat known as the Rachni, a bug-like species who reproduced in a very fast manner that made it a galactic threat when it became hostile. The salarians discovered the Krogans, a breed of highly adaptable species with high fortitude and constitution and also a high regenerative and reproductive rate. The Salarians then uplifted the Krogans by offering them technology in order to fight the Rachni and they succeeded in that. However, Krogans being highly aggressive and not aware of the dangers and consequences involved with such a high destructive armaments that were supplied to them, made war with the whole galaxy and was then subdued by the Salarians who created the Genophage, a substance that was delivered via rivers, waterways etc. to target the reproductive ability of the Krogans to only be able to birth a young with one out of a thousand chance.

Enough about the game. Why did I quote the dialog? Mainly because I agree with it in a sense, especially the part where if we give weapons to men, they will use it in the most aggressive sense without first understanding it. The proof can be seen in history, where people fought over supremacy, warring with each other without having the sense of reason to actually think it through and resolve the conflict diplomatically in a sensible manner. We see men fight and kill, and repeat the cycle over again numerously.

And we are lucky, as we are, that today there is a global consensus to put wars behind and learn from it. We can work past our past transgressions and cooperate to work out our aggression. What would happen if we didn't then?

It's interesting that this kind of situation being brought up by a game with a sci-fi theme that has no literal relevance with the modern world. In a way, the game is metaphorically addressing the issues today inside its story, implementing education and incorporating gamers with enough common sense to start thinking of these issues and relate to it. While most games are about having nonsensical fun, some of the games nowadays are and can be very good base-education materials, to stimulate the minds where general education syllabus fails to.

All that said and done, I'd say thanks to the people at Bioware.

(Also to the people who made the Age of Empires long ago since they helped me much in picturing Medieval history, and also to many other developers and gamers that I can't remember)

Today

Today, I feel sort of sad. Not sad as in crying, but just...sad. A depressing feeling, one that I am accustomed to and living through one step at a time. Probably the age is getting back at me, probably past karma has caught up to me, probably it is just one of those days where everything I aimed to get done by the end of the day did not actually happened per se.

Today, I looked at the future, reminiscing of the starlight that I always loved to gaze at for so long in the serene night sky, pondering onwards from the heels of my bed, alone and small in the grand scale of events. With the winds sweeping by through the windows, foretelling of an uncertain cloud movement from the south, bearing with it loads of water molecules, unknown to most of its weight and intention.

Today, I smelt the air and it told me nothing save a news of delight, of the fine weather that it is surrounding my extremities. A chirp up on the trees and a whistle from beyond the greeneries, tingling sensations that greets me for today, is a wonderful day indeed!

Today, I was covered of red, and a hint of black. A fury reignited deep within, an angst for something unpredictable. Yet, not this day, never will I succumb in order to sustain this harmony that has presented itself. No, not in the present, but maybe at the past where my naivete lies.

Today I take this life of mine and shape it with my will, God permitting.

Today I am alive.

And today I am, therefore, thankful.

A hint of foresight

January 2010.

At this moment, I only have 3 semesters left in beloved(?) West Lafayette till graduation. 3 semesters means about 2 Spring Breaks, 1 Fall Break, 1 Summer Holiday and 1 Winter Holiday left, which does mean I have to allocate money either for travel photography purposes or just keeping them in a safe somewhere to be used at a further date for my future post-graduate purposes.

Before leaving the states, I still have Grand Canyon to visit, some camera gear yet to obtain, pictures to print for display purposes, and souvenirs like probably Corelle or something to bring back later. Beyond that, I might need to start saving for the perfect someone that will complete my life and/or post-graduate studies if I were to choose/be granted for it.

I'm at the tipping point of my life where interests, responsibilities, sacrifices and the likes intersect, in the cross junction and in need of some push to one way or the other in order to start things off. Though I am hoping to achieve them all, I'd like nothing better than to hope at least one or more of them gets to be achieved, placing not much expectation than it deserves for not wanting to be disappointed in the future of such expectation.

I'm just hoping that once this all settles, I can achieve one of my dreams that I thought of whilst in Miami, of being a travelling photographer, living off of my photography to earn and travel.

It's a weird feeling. Graduation feels just around the corner, yet somehow, I feel that what I've learned so far feels so irrelevant to what I will be doing if I work in the industry. It kinda feels like what I'm learning is actually insufficient of the requirements in the real working environment. And in actuality, I am still unsure whether what I learned will be used in my future career at all, since electrical engineering itself is a big, BIG field of work.

To Go or Not To Go?

My head has been messed up the last couple of days with the same constant question lingering in my temple. To either go back to Malaysia in the summer or not to.

Here's a summary of some of the basic reasons of why this is very conflicting to me and my interests:

• To go back

By definition, going back to Malaysia is spending time in Malaysia over the summer for about oh 3 months or so from mid-May to mid-August back in Shah Alam. I actually do have lots of things to look forward to, going back in that time period, observing my niece and nephew's growth, meeting with fellow family members and seeing that my sister-in-law will have a big tummy by then. Also, there is the consideration of having some reunions here and there, probably one with my Shah Alam old schoolmates and my classmates from Alam Shah (one that we are planning to have in Pulau Redang hopefully). Overall, it should be a relaxing vacation back home after the two years of learning here in the states, and about one more year to go before graduation.

• To stay

The opposite of the former, to stay in Purdue means that I have to spend time here over the summer holiday, probably having to take class or find some other activities to kill time. It's not all that bad because I plan to take a Summer Undergraduate Research Fellowship (SURF) for about 2 and a half month, getting paid about $3600 doing it, which then I can allocate for some trip to some nice scenic locations such as the Grand Canyon, that I've been wanting to take a hike and a picture of. Other than that, the money could then be spent on printing some of my pictures to be distributed to my family members and also some select few.

The thing is, if I chose to go back, $1500 needs to be allocated now in order to find flight tickets to go from Indianapolis to Kuala Lumpur, and if I chose not to go back, I know that I will regret my decision later on as summer holiday is actually a long and boring period of time that seems to extend forever. In that period of inactivity, I'd start to miss my family and especially both of my 'ubi' as I call 'em. I'd want to be a part of their life as they were a part of mine before I flew off here in 2008. But then, there are some parts of my life that I don't want to revisit once I'm back in Malaysia, which were some of the reasons I put off going back to Malaysia until I obtain my bachelor's degree.

So yeah, I'm basically conflicted now as it is. $1500 is not easy to make, but then again the proposition of $3600 sounds oh, so sweet. I definitely want to go to the Grand Canyon, but then again, the Pulau Redang outing with my Alam Shah friends also sounds awesome. And did I mention my two little 'ubi's?

~_~"