Recently, I have thought over my plans for the future. And pretty much went over the numerous things that I could do, sort of doing multiple scenarios of simulations inside my not-so-powerful brain.

As a background to why, it is because I am the tipping point of my career in life, my senior year in Purdue, choosing whether or not to follow my interest in renewable energy and learning, or to follow the industry route. Choosing a life of another 5 years of learning alone or finding a suitable partner with me to bring stateside, or just settling down and working to eventually getting married.

Problem is, I DO LIKE learning. I like them as challenges in my life, learning something new, putting value on knowledge earned and being satisfied overcoming the challenges that come with it. But then, learning would not benefit me if I were already given a position in the industry, in this desperate economic times. Then there is also the problem of choosing how far do I want to learn, masters or PhD? Dr. Muhammad Aizuddin Zulkifli does sound kinda weird but I can get used to it though.

And so...the conundrum of dilemma begins. Right now, my mind is set to pursue PhD (probably) while also taking on internships when available in between semesters so I can get the best of both worlds. And if possible, probably finding a life partner to help me along emotionally during my tenure in learning.

There are other things I will post, most likely later..of the problems I've been thinking of regarding the learning system, comparing why Purdue and not Malaysia, regarding my feelings towards certain recent directions Malaysia has taken, among others.

But now....now, is the time to sleep.

Things that have transpired

It can be said that half of the semester have passed by.

Taking the minimum amount of credit hours this semester has probably done me good. Felt great during the midterm exams, and was rewarded with good scores for them. Took an Android programming project class and it is going fine by my standard so far, with myself learning and discovering new things each and everyday. My application to graduate school is starting with the Graduate Review Exam (GRE) being a couple of days from now.

Overall, I feel fulfillment in my everyday throughout this semester...

Yet, I can't really say I am content. Yes, I am not content on what knowledge I have now and I am not content on my personal state being normal. That, I think, is normal for a person like me.

However, I am not talking regarding those. I am feeling not content on myself being not able to let go of certain things in the past.

It has been a couple of years and I am still thinking of my past regrets. It has been a couple of months and I am still thinking of it. It has been a couple of days yet it sticks in my mind.

I guess I don't know what to make of myself. sigh~

A letter to time

Dear time,

Why do you seem to creep when we least want you to, and why do you run when we chase you so? You are like a person, giving me a sense of hope and security with your leniency, however also being cruel in the harshness of reality.

This past summer felt like a breeze, not a midsummer's breeze that cools the air, nor the breeze that sweeps the grass free of pollen and dust. Nay, for that is not the breeze meant. At an instance, the 3 months are now past and gone, the memories will seem to fade away to only a recollection of words and pictures for only few to know.

Though it has been only a few hours past, I feel that I want this summer to go on. Not the temperature though, only the experience. It is interesting to think in retrospect, to get to know what we missed as an experience, to learn and discover knowledge and more.

Working. Learning. Coding. Making mistakes. Feeling down. Frustrated. Slacking. Enthusiastic. Motivating. Discovering. Experiencing.

As humans, we err and we err more. From that we learn, but also forget and is reminded, and forget again. As humans we want when we are not given, and when it is given, it is not wanted. For that is what we are.

Oh, time. Let us enjoy this moment, precious as it is, let us have this reverie.

Summer oh Bummer

I've been meaning to do something in this blog for so long...like write...eventually.

Summer. Hot. Sometimes humid. When it's humid in summer, it's hell. It's like an oven outside, slowly deep-cooking into your skin, your very pink meat from raw to ripe. Urgh. As hot as it was back in Malaysia, it was better because clouds were everywhere. Sigh~ oh well.

Nothing of note happened so far this summer. Probably I've mentioned this somewhere before, but here goes again. This summer I was given the opportunity to be in a research fellowship program - SURF, or in non-acronym talk, Summer Undergraduate Research Fellowship. The main focus of the program is to give the fellows an opportunity to participate in graduate topic research while being paid as well as pique their interests in graduate school studies. Fortunately, I have been given a great chance to be working under Prof. Klimeck, the director of nanoHUB.org, a hub that centers on nanotechnology and the sharing of information of that field via online tools to the global community.

So far, the project I am working on right now seems to be on track and on schedule. It has been a great experience so far, one that I am glad to be in, considering I was kinda scared early on because of the pure intimidation of such a task. I learn stuff, I had fun..and it's all in a days work. And yeah, the money helps too.

Not to forget, SURF also helped a lot in enhancing the experience. We were given tours in Purdue's numerous research facility, like the Envision Center, the PRIME lab, the nanotech center etc.

Oh, how I wish I have another summer to be in SURF again...but then again...it's hot... ;p

One of these days

One of these days ...

... I feel empty inside, as if I have lost myself somewhere at sometime. I feel lacking in my own self, the one weakness that I cannot cure from past years. It might be a case of inferiority, but I believe I know myself better than that.

I am very, what I think is as, normal as compared to others, yet I am happy the way it is as is. My family is of middle-class people, and my siblings are local Malaysian graduates. And when I look at other students here studying abroad, most of their siblings are oversea students, unlike myself. I know my purpose being sent here in Purdue, to study and do my best after being sponsored by the people's money. And that is what I do best.

One of these days ...

... I look back upon the past 2 years as being void and empty as having to little to no meaning at all. Of course I can brag about my academics and life experiences here, though it kinda feels shallow because sometimes it just does not matter at all.

The years that have past felt as if they strolled by like a midsummer's breeze on an open grass plain. Another year has just swept by, providing its temporary coolness in the blazing heat, soon to die down as the clouds roll above the sky. Probably it's just because of the heat. The heat give thoughts of despair and anxiety, nulling my plans as to only think on how to escape the heat and skip the summer.

One of these days ...

... I want to hope for a long-lasting happiness.

One of these days, I just wish that I can look back and laugh it all off, or just shrug it off as a chuckle.

Umquhile

It started as a side-project to capture a video like a short film or short clip in order to be shown to the Malaysian students attending the Malaysian Midwest Games Night 2010, and now I feel so tied to it just because. Most of the scenes were shot with my new Nikon D300s with the few lenses that I have and thanks to the screenplay written by a graduating senior along with other crews and casts, I would say that I am proud of it even though it is far from perfect.

What am I talking about? I am talking about the video that I have now uploaded to my Facebook account, my Facebook page and also on Youtube for anybody who wants to view it.

Umquhile

... and in it there is an implicit message, a lesson if you please, one that kinda strikes true to me and also, I think, most of the students studying far from home, whether it be overseas, regional or just local. Umquhile, or as defined in some websites as 'some time ago', in my personal perspective seems like a story about a teenager who undergoes the rebellious transformation from childhood to adulthood and after being rebellious for years, finally goes back to his roots where he left it some time ago. That is only my thinking of it, so don't take my word for it.

During its initial stages, when I read the screenplay for it, it has this sense of striking true to what I myself experienced, if not fully but partly. More than that, it has been quite a while that I have been thinking of doing some short clips, experimenting with the play of words, song and visual styles to strike a balance in delivering the message, as what I aim to do also in my photography. After the project was done a couple of days ago, I definitely feel that I can do it one day, if not for going big, then just for an experiment in curiosity.

Thanks to my graduating senior, Hanif, who entrusted me with task of being the cinematographer for the video and hopefully one day, he'll be someone who can be in the likes of the late Yasmin Ahmad.

Contradictions

We, humans, usually contradict ourselves.

It's not that we intentionally lie to ourselves, but more to it being a subconscious event going on at the back of our temple without us realizing it. We want to act one way, but we do the other. And when we do the other, we tell ourselves that it was better to do the way of the first after all. It does not make sense, but we ask ourselves this question: does it have to make sense at all?

I don't know where this thought comes from as of late, but it has been bugging me quite so often. I tell to myself, why am I learning to become an engineer, when sometimes it would have been more interesting if I were something else, say like an artist, a poet or a musician? Other than that, I also feel that I am having a conflict of identity where one wants no more than to be docile, and the other to be let free and crazy. Sometimes I feel like just staying away from everything and everyone for the fear of being tied down to the fabrics of society's judgmental law. But at the same time too, I want to be the one who can control the flow of the society in order to benefit all.

I guess, the world is full of contradictions. Best of all, I know I am not alone. Somewhere and sometime, there are also people like me. We are the contradictions in the society, but also a conformer since it might also have been this way from the start and our purpose is as such.

I don't know..it kinda makes sense then, but now it doesn't.