Today

Today, I feel sort of sad. Not sad as in crying, but just...sad. A depressing feeling, one that I am accustomed to and living through one step at a time. Probably the age is getting back at me, probably past karma has caught up to me, probably it is just one of those days where everything I aimed to get done by the end of the day did not actually happened per se.

Today, I looked at the future, reminiscing of the starlight that I always loved to gaze at for so long in the serene night sky, pondering onwards from the heels of my bed, alone and small in the grand scale of events. With the winds sweeping by through the windows, foretelling of an uncertain cloud movement from the south, bearing with it loads of water molecules, unknown to most of its weight and intention.

Today, I smelt the air and it told me nothing save a news of delight, of the fine weather that it is surrounding my extremities. A chirp up on the trees and a whistle from beyond the greeneries, tingling sensations that greets me for today, is a wonderful day indeed!

Today, I was covered of red, and a hint of black. A fury reignited deep within, an angst for something unpredictable. Yet, not this day, never will I succumb in order to sustain this harmony that has presented itself. No, not in the present, but maybe at the past where my naivete lies.

Today I take this life of mine and shape it with my will, God permitting.

Today I am alive.

And today I am, therefore, thankful.

A hint of foresight

January 2010.

At this moment, I only have 3 semesters left in beloved(?) West Lafayette till graduation. 3 semesters means about 2 Spring Breaks, 1 Fall Break, 1 Summer Holiday and 1 Winter Holiday left, which does mean I have to allocate money either for travel photography purposes or just keeping them in a safe somewhere to be used at a further date for my future post-graduate purposes.

Before leaving the states, I still have Grand Canyon to visit, some camera gear yet to obtain, pictures to print for display purposes, and souvenirs like probably Corelle or something to bring back later. Beyond that, I might need to start saving for the perfect someone that will complete my life and/or post-graduate studies if I were to choose/be granted for it.

I'm at the tipping point of my life where interests, responsibilities, sacrifices and the likes intersect, in the cross junction and in need of some push to one way or the other in order to start things off. Though I am hoping to achieve them all, I'd like nothing better than to hope at least one or more of them gets to be achieved, placing not much expectation than it deserves for not wanting to be disappointed in the future of such expectation.

I'm just hoping that once this all settles, I can achieve one of my dreams that I thought of whilst in Miami, of being a travelling photographer, living off of my photography to earn and travel.

It's a weird feeling. Graduation feels just around the corner, yet somehow, I feel that what I've learned so far feels so irrelevant to what I will be doing if I work in the industry. It kinda feels like what I'm learning is actually insufficient of the requirements in the real working environment. And in actuality, I am still unsure whether what I learned will be used in my future career at all, since electrical engineering itself is a big, BIG field of work.

To Go or Not To Go?

My head has been messed up the last couple of days with the same constant question lingering in my temple. To either go back to Malaysia in the summer or not to.

Here's a summary of some of the basic reasons of why this is very conflicting to me and my interests:

• To go back

By definition, going back to Malaysia is spending time in Malaysia over the summer for about oh 3 months or so from mid-May to mid-August back in Shah Alam. I actually do have lots of things to look forward to, going back in that time period, observing my niece and nephew's growth, meeting with fellow family members and seeing that my sister-in-law will have a big tummy by then. Also, there is the consideration of having some reunions here and there, probably one with my Shah Alam old schoolmates and my classmates from Alam Shah (one that we are planning to have in Pulau Redang hopefully). Overall, it should be a relaxing vacation back home after the two years of learning here in the states, and about one more year to go before graduation.

• To stay

The opposite of the former, to stay in Purdue means that I have to spend time here over the summer holiday, probably having to take class or find some other activities to kill time. It's not all that bad because I plan to take a Summer Undergraduate Research Fellowship (SURF) for about 2 and a half month, getting paid about $3600 doing it, which then I can allocate for some trip to some nice scenic locations such as the Grand Canyon, that I've been wanting to take a hike and a picture of. Other than that, the money could then be spent on printing some of my pictures to be distributed to my family members and also some select few.

The thing is, if I chose to go back, $1500 needs to be allocated now in order to find flight tickets to go from Indianapolis to Kuala Lumpur, and if I chose not to go back, I know that I will regret my decision later on as summer holiday is actually a long and boring period of time that seems to extend forever. In that period of inactivity, I'd start to miss my family and especially both of my 'ubi' as I call 'em. I'd want to be a part of their life as they were a part of mine before I flew off here in 2008. But then, there are some parts of my life that I don't want to revisit once I'm back in Malaysia, which were some of the reasons I put off going back to Malaysia until I obtain my bachelor's degree.

So yeah, I'm basically conflicted now as it is. $1500 is not easy to make, but then again the proposition of $3600 sounds oh, so sweet. I definitely want to go to the Grand Canyon, but then again, the Pulau Redang outing with my Alam Shah friends also sounds awesome. And did I mention my two little 'ubi's?

~_~"

Maturing

Comes 2010, and I'll be 22 by the end of the year. With a niece and a nephew and one more upcoming by this year, more than not, 22 feels like an old age to come by. Also two friends of mine had just gotten married, which brings into question for myself, when is my time?

Once upon a youth, I actually planned further ahead from my current age. I'd envision that I'd enter university with a plan that once I graduate, I could look forward to building a family right away without a hitch and start searching for the stability and tranquility that everybody seeks in their life. Long story short, that planned kinda failed midway leaving me feeling like made to kneel down and boot kicked in the ass to a puddle of mud and then pissed upon. Worse is the fact that I'm still not over that plan and each day I'd recall it when I have nothing else in my activity box. Hell, once I'd even said to myself I might go single for the length of my lifetime, but that was when I was in preschool, when worry is not on the top of my plate.

If I recall correctly, my dad got married at 22, and pretty much I'd figure marrying early is the best thing that could happen in one's life. Marrying early = kids early = grandkids early without so much generation gap. The past like three or four years made me think a lot about my future self, seeing my niece and nephew grow quite unexpectedly to cute little toddlers. It kinda reminds me of my own childhood, and the more I think about it, the more I incline toward seeing if when I have kids of my own, how they'd turn out with my own label of parenting.

Some people may call it midlife crisis. It's kinda like missing your childhood when you know you have other responsibilities to tend to and you have to act tough even though the fact of the matter is you are dependent on others too. I don't know how my dad did it, but he was successful in his parenting.

I just hope sooner than later that I can find my perfect someone. Listen to me, I'm talking like some old chap. LOL

2010: Miami getaway

New year, new semester, new responsibilities, and all that..

I mean like...everything is coming a new, the cycle starts, repeating itself over and over again.

Sigh~

The past few days I fled from the snow and the chill and the frostiness of West Lafayette, to Miami, a very known hotspot for relaxing (and not to forget its nightlife, which I don't really care much about). The weather was fine throughout the week-holiday, with one day of rain that seemed kinda like the light rains back home in Malaysia. The temperature was about 26 to 30ish Celsius with some winds coming from the Atlantic, prime for just laying down by the beach and taking in the sights of the diverse New Year crowd.

I stayed at a hostel with a friend of mine, Danial from Penn State for all 7 days and we pretty much went to all the major attractions in and around Miami. South Beach, Everglades, and Key West. Not to go over each and every detail of the trip, I had a pretty good time in Miami, meeting other foreigners who chose to run away from the cold. Since I stayed in a mixed dorm bedroom I had my fair share of meeting with members of the opposite sex. There were Germans, Austrians, Australians and even Americans who came and went by the hostel.

It's funny that sometimes I feel that everybody comes and go at their own leisure, each minding their own business. It shocks me that they are very friendly, up to the point that in the New Year, the 5 people that stayed with me the night before (2 Austrians, maybe a couple, and a family of 3 Germans - a father, a daughter and a son) greeted me as they went to checkout to their next destination. Call me awkward or aloof, but I never expected such grace and courtesy from a person that I came to know for only a day.

And yeah, the German girl was pretty cute..sigh~

Anyway, back to the topic of Miami, the beach was sweet, the sand was alluring and the water was crystal clear.

Miami oh Miami, if not for thy beaches, I would not regard thee as such. Miami oh Miami...

This is me

Thanks Google

For messing me up

Creating a parallel account

Bothering my old blogger account

Jeez~

Now to start anew

Fresh in the New Year

Hopefully this amends

Let the past be lessons

Let's look forward ere it comes

Peace out!